The HP #18 Accepting loved ones where they are

My focus for the past month: more and more letting go of judgment on others and accepting where they are on their path. 

This month when I started working on this, I secretly thought it would have been easy for me, since I have been doing this for so long and have gotten so far in this. Especially with my job and the different people I see who all have different experiences and troubles it keeps getting easier for me not to form a judgment on that. In the old days I would have my judgment on a complete stranger who was walking down the street wearing an unflattering outfit, now it is something I do not worry about at all. But it wasn’t all that easy for me. It turns out you can have zero judgment on strangers or people you don’t know, but it it is a different story accepting the people who are close to you.

Just when I was full of confidence thinking this would be an easy month, I was tested pretty bad on the ‘not judging’ front. Someone who is very close to me, and whom I love very much, did something I ab-so-lutely don’t agree on. Something that is very unethical in my book, you don’t do this to people, this is not okay, and onwards. The biggest problem of all is, I am the one who has been hurt in this story. I am the victim in the story. The one who has to carry the consequences and hurt. Try handling that with the not judging thing. Of course I immediately made a huge judgement towards this person. I was angry, hurt, sad, and even thoughts of pure revenge came to me. There especially was a lot of not understanding. How could you do this to a person you love? You must be a very bad person then…

But after having these, completely normal, reactions, I realised that feeling like this wasn’t going to take me very far. I was so stuck in my own emotions that I couldn’t even see how much I was judging. When I took a step back and looked at the situation from a different perspective, I could see that I would still think this would be a wrong action if it had been done to a stranger, but I would not form the same judgement. If I would be in the shoes of the other person, I would see that the action did not came from an intent of hurting me, the action was not even about me and it came out of a place of pain, fear and needing of validation from the other person. I could see that it wasn’t a bad person, it was just a wrong action and horrible choice. I needed to move from judging to accepting… shifting from fear to love. 

The moment we have a relationship with someone, like your partner, friends or family, we tend to judge those people more quickly and want to change them because we suffer from that certain behaviour. And suffering is something we want to prevent at all times. This was also my first reaction, making conditions, wanting control, changing behaviour. But that is a lost case. Accepting other’s is the answer although you would like to see it differently. 

Accept people WHERE they are in their lives

This means no judgement. Not wanting or trying to change them. Not wanting to control or manipulate. That is real, unconditional love. Even when someone is not where you want them to be, you can still accept that person and not want to change them.

And then you can make that choice yourself. Am I staying in a relationship with that person the way he or she is now? Or do I choose to not want this and walk away, but with a feeling of peace and love instead of hate and frustration.

Letting go of this judgment helped me to accept and forgive and gave me back my peace of mind.

 xx

 

Ps. Are you a Dutchie? Get your free Mini Mindfulness course here!

Nadja

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